“Have a good day everyone. Driver, do your thing”

Delays, overcrowding, badgers on the line – when it comes to announcements on the tube – you probably think you’ve heard it all.

If the BBC Two series The Tube is anything to go by, there’s no shortage of train drivers and station staff doing their best to put a smile on even the most hardened commuter’s faces.

Whether it’s the driver making aeroplane noises as the train pulls into the station, or just a cheerful greeting from station staff like the one above, here are five of my favourite announcements passengers have heard on the tube.

“Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay to your service. I know you’re all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you’ll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction”.

“Ladies and Gentlemen, do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. I felt sadly let down by the fact that none of you sent me a card! I drive you to work and home each day and not even a card. The bad news is that there is a point’s failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means that we probably won’t reach our destination. We may have to stop and return. I won’t reverse back up the line – simply get out walk up the platform and go back to where we started. In the mean time if you get bored you can simply talk to the man in front or beside you or opposite you. Let me start you off: ‘Hi, my name’s Gary how do you do?’.”

“Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let’s take our minds off it and pass some time together.

All together now…. ‘Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall…..’.”

“Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with ‘Please hold the doors open.’ The two are distinct and separate instructions.”

During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: “step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentleman… unfortunately towels are not provided”. [Source: Boreme]

If you’ve heard something that’s brightened up a cheerless commute, share away in the comments below.