Last month, while in between flat shares, I moved back to my parents’ house in Pinner.
No one usually knows where that is, so for the initiated, Pinner is basically a small village in Zone 5 on the Metropolitan line, marked below for ease of reference with a large black arrow.
Yes, that’s right, London has a Zone 5.
It also has Zones 6, 7, 8 and 9, although there’s no evidence that these actually exist in real life.
In fact, these Zones may as well just be part of a forgotten realm on the Crystal Maze circa 1994 for all the rest of London knows about them.
A journey into central London from Pinner usually takes about 5,387,234,632 hours to complete.
At one end, you’ve got Aldgate in the City of London and at the other, whimsical, Never Never Land-sounding places like “Chesham”, “Amersham” and “Chorleywood” in and around Zones 7, 8, and 9.
So, just to reiterate:
Most people who live in Pinner commute into central London for work.
This was what I did back in 2002 BT (Before Twitter), when my work mostly consisted of temporary secretarial jobs.
In these roles, my main function was to provide administrative support including, but not limited to:
- replacing the fax paper
- sending out company wide e-mails with the subject line WHO HAS MY HOLEPUNCH?
- sending follow up e-mails 5 minutes later that read DONT WORRY FOUND IT.
As a result, commuting was often the most interesting part of my day.
And over time, going back and forth between Pinner and Baker Street, I learnt that the Metropolitan line is different from most other routes into London, with its own quirks, rules and idiosyncrasies.
For example, Pinner Station is at the top of a steep incline.
As a result, most commuters begin their day with an up-hill sprint, which starts when they see their train coming over the bridge and ends in frustration as they get to the barriers only to realise, breathless and sweating, that they’ve got no money on their Oyster card.
Repeated slaps of plastic against reader are often followed by cries of “No! Wait! No! No, oh, bugger” as the train slowly departs in front of their very eyes.
They have every reason to be upset, because this is Zone 5. The next train won’t be along for…oh, who knows?
No one.
Have you seen the Samuel Beckett play called Waiting for Godot?
It’s about these two blokes who just sit and chat while they wait for someone called Godot, but it’s pointless because they don’t know when he’ll arrive.
Waiting for the Metropolitan train at this end of the line is a bit like that, except without the talking.
People just stand in the same place every day (the exact spot where the doors will open, because this is the stuff commuters know) staring up the tracks, waiting for two lights to appear around the corner.
Several Northbound trains come and go.
Birds fly overhead.
An empty crisp packet rolls across the rails.
Nothing happens.
From this, we can safely conclude that Samuel Beckett’s famous play was probably based on his experiences of waiting for a Metropolitan line train.
Also, the digital countdowns don’t work at Pinner station.
So rather than being told when the train is going to arrive, you are instead provided with ways to pass this unknown quantity of time instead, such as solving as the impossible maze puzzle which just appeared on the wall one day (below, left), which is either:
a) a work of art
b) just for fun!
or
c) a cruel metaphor for the journey you are about to begin.
Again, no one really knows.
It’s just there.
When the train finally does pull into the station, there’s always a race for a seat.
You might think that suburban life allows for a more relaxed “no, after you” approach to getting on a train, but then you’d be very, very wrong.
On the Metropolitan Line before 8:30am, where not bagging a seat means standing for a whole 5,387,234,632 hours and not getting on at all means waiting until Godot knows when on a freezing cold platform with only maze puzzles for company, things can get prett-ty fighty on the Semi Fast to Aldgate.
But here’s some advice.
If you don’t get a seat – and you won’t because Metropolitan line commuters are like Robocop in their determination to GET THE SEAT, MUST GET THE SEAT, STARE STRAIGHT AHEAD, DON’T CARE IF YOU’VE GOT CRUTCHES, SEAT IS MINE, SEAT ACQUIRED, POWER DOWN – you’ll have to make do with other options.
So, those in-the-know tend to aim for the bit between the seats.
Or, they go for the wobbly bit between carriages.
Not only is this bit fairly comfortable as a resting post, but – and this one’s for you, Pilates fans – it’s also quite a good way to maintain core strength.
#balanceball
After a day at work, there’s more fun to be had on the way home.
Because for some reason on the Metropolitan line in the evening, everyone has this strange compulsion to stand up prematurely when leaving the train, like “Ooh, I’m getting off at Pinner in 3 minutes. Better get into position.”
So instead of remaining seated until, you know, they can actually get off, commuters instead start queuing up from the second the train leaves North Harrow, taking their position by the doors.
First one person makes the move. Then a sort of competitive edge takes over the entire carriage and before you know it, five, six, eight, ten people are waiting in front of this prime disembarking spot, despite having a good long while until the doors actually open.
But that’s not all.
These keen beans then launch themselves out the second the doors open and proceed to sprint.
Off they go up the stairs like suited greyhounds, over the tracks to the ticket barriers, cheered on by a loud, involuntary cry of “RUN, FOREST, RUN” (ok, this only happened once).
You could argue they’re running to “beat the queue at the barriers” or “get to the car park pay machine first” but then there’s never really a queue for the exit barriers at Pinner, and does any of this exertion actually save you more than about 30 seconds of time if you then have to stop and fumble for your Oyster card anyway?
Nobody knows.
But I do know that after a while of wondering what the hell, why is everyone getting up so soon and what’s with all the running, you too will be overtaken by this compulsion to get up and race off the train, without every really understanding why.
Hopefully this answers a few questions that will inevitably pop up next time you’re commuting on the Metropolitan line from Pinner, and you’ll be able to sit back, relax and enjoy your journey safe in the knowledge that this is just how Zone 5 rolls.
At least until you hear those golden words “This train will be terminating at Harrow-on-the-Hill” anyway – but that’s another story.
Use the Met line? Commute on it? Do you race off the train every day?
Er, Why?
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I commute from Chesham (it does actually exist!) where we get one train every 30 minutes, where we wait at chalfont for about 5 minutes for the next train to pass and where we envy Amersham for being on the Chiltern line.
Pinner commuters do that too! We envy the people who whizz past on the Fast train. And get excited when we see the lights coming round the corner then realise it’s on the wrong side of the wall. 🙁
Hi Ste Roberts,
I’m actually thinking of moving to Chesham and I would like to see how long does it take (in reality) to commute to Central London and whether your daily trip to/from work is pleasant or full of complications?
Thanks,
AP
Are those vultures above the tube tracks? I think they are
Yes! Pinner also has a native family of vultures roosting in the station eves. I left that bit out.
I am one of the runners you refer to! I have to run to get a bus on Bridge Street otherwise sometimes it’s a 15 min wait!
Ok, well that’s a fairly good reason I suppose.
Best part of London. Love Pinner 🙂
It is indeed a wonderful place.
With lots of yoga sessions in church halls.
Love this!
Thanks!
There are indeed some weird goings on at Pinner station.
Why do people come on a Wednesday morning with pastries and cakes and give them to the local school children? What am I missing?
WHAT! In all these years I’ve never seen any cakes or pastries. I’m obviously not getting there early enough. Dammit.
No. I have since realised that this is something particular to the jewish community? It is only the school children from the Jewish Free School that get given the pastries?
I’ve only just come across your blog and this is the first post I have read and OMG I just cannot stop laughing! Brilliant, just brilliant! x
Thank you Leanne 🙂
I am guilty of moving to Pinner from Central London 3 years ago…. your analysis is spot on. I have never fathomed the strange “3-minute-jostling-for-position-by-the-doors-prior-to-disembarkation-at-Pinner” . Tonight I am going to wear spikes and beat the lot of ’em…. I will gracefully sprint along the High Street up to my house past the plethora of mock-tudor that is strangely growing on me.
I wish you luck in your sprint, Bungle. Pro tip: elbows out, and hurdle the metal railings before the stairs.
If Bungle has posted something on here, he’s looking for a commuting buddy, one to share thoughts and a beer with as i’m MIA.
I’m starting to think there’s a Rainbow conspiracy afoot.
This is BRILLIANT. I laughed so hard….but as a seasoned Metropolitan line user if I didn’t laugh I would probably cry. You capture the hilarity and bleakness of it so well. Hubby and I have been commuting from Amersham every day for nearly a year and even though we get more regular trains the same things happen out there in Never Never Land – people standing in the same places, shoving you out of the way to get “their” seat and yes…what’s with all the standing up before the train gets to the station? As the train approaches Amersham, everyone starts moving back through the train to position themselves in the carriage right by the stairs…..it’s so predictable, we just laugh about it now. But we’ve only got two weeks of it left because we’re moving back to London!!! I can’t wait to live on the Piccadilly line again!
I do love Pinner though. One of my favourite shows growing up was May to December and one of the first things I did when I moved to the UK was go out and find the office of Semple, Callender and Callender 🙂
Hi Philippa, it’s definitely a law unto itself out there in Zone 5 onwards – I had an inkling that I wouldn’t be the only person who noticed all this stuff (and laughed at it) because me and my sister used to sit there on our commutes thinking “what are these people DOING”. I can only assume that one person started getting up before their stop in 1920 and now everyone thinks they need to in order to get home in time. I have no idea. Thank you for your comment – and hurrah for moving back into central London, aka, the sane bit. 🙂
Hi
This is scary ….. We live in suburbs of Greenwich and planning to move to Pinner and looking for a house to buy. I already liked a house and planning to view it tomorrow .Me and my husband work in central London and sometimes in Canary Wharf too .we are Consultants so the office place changes very often .is the met line in Pinner very bad ??? Should we reconsider moving to Pinner area ??
Hi Aura,
Don’t get me wrong, Pinner is a lovely place to live. Don’t be scared. I grew up there, it’s full of excellent people like my parents for example.
BUT I also commuted into central London for the best part of 10 years before moving to Zone 2, hence the (slightly tongue in cheek) blog post. Look, here’s the thing. The met line has improved immeasurably since they got the new trains in, it’s a lot nicer to travel on now (although people are still really possessive over seats).
When it’s working, and you’re on a semi-fast train, you can be at Baker Street ready to change onto Jubilee in about 30 minutes. An all stations train, probably 35-40 mins. But in Greenwich you’re probably used to having other options if there’s delays or problems on the line, and you probably get trains every couple of minutes.
From Pinner you’ve got the met line…and that’s it. No other option. No buses. 7 minutes at least between trains, and maybe changing at Harrow on the Hill for a semi-fast. If it’s buggered, you’re late, and signal failures anywhere on the met / circle / hammersmith and city lines often bleed into each other.
But you’re going to have that “one line in” problem if you move to most places in Zone 5 / beyond (unless you move to Ruislip for example, which is still Zone 5 but you’ve got Central, Met and Piccadilly lines to choose from), so if that’s your life choice, then that’s where you’re heading anyway.
What I’d do is every day for a couple of weeks, watch or check the tube status in the morning. Every time you see minor or severe delays on the met line, assume you’ll be stuck waiting for a train at Pinner station. Take that as an average. Multiply it for the winter when there’s “leaves on the line”. And read blog posts knowing that they’re written largely for entertainment for locals who do it already. 😉
Good luck!
I stumbled onto his (hilarious!) blog post whilst debating wih my husband about how much time the Semi-fast really saves… We recently moved out of central London to Pinner and the morning commute is completely unpredictable. Train arrivals seem pretty arbitrary and woe is me when I get on a Semi-fast and they change it to an All Stations. Capital offense.
Thank you so much for this post! Just this morning spent what seemed like 2 hours waiting for the met line, and in my frustration googled around for other frustrated met line commuters. Happened to come across this post, made me laugh so much! (while also silently boil my blood)
Solidarity, Sneha. We’ve all been there.
Ha ha ha. I get on at Eastcote and this is the funniest thing I’ve read in ages! I love the pics too. Also, I am one of the people that runs for the train, that’s me!!