She Loves London

Author: She Loves London

  • Planning Ahead is Futile When You Live in London

    Planning Ahead is Futile When You Live in London

    There are two types of people in this world.

    There are those who plan ahead, and those for whom the mere suggestion of arranging something three months in advance is enough to send them swan diving into the nearest bin.

    It will surprise no one to hear that I fall into the latter category. Some people get nervous if they’ve got nothing in the diary for the next few weeks. I get nervous when someone asks what I’m doing at the weekend.

    On Thursday.

    We are free

    But it’s time to admit that I’m destined to be in the minority on this particular approach to life. For I am in my 30s, which means this “let’s pop something in the diary for 6 weeks’ time” is already becoming an inevitable fact of life.

    So if, like me, you’re still clinging on to your unplanned life, then there is a city made just for you. Because good news: London hates planning ahead too.

    I give you:

    The Case Against Planning Ahead in London

    #1: London gives you 3 million different ways of getting to work, depending on the weather

    Dear everyone living in Zones 1- 3. Is it not the case that you’ve got about five different ways you could potentially commute to and from work? You’ll have your favourite, we’ve all got our favourite. But depending on whether it’s raining, shining, or striking, you could: walk, cycle, get three buses, or two tubes, or nip on the Overground. Sod it, some of you could probably even get a boat. See? Daily options. Pre 10am. No planning required. And if you’ve got a travel card, it’s basically free*.

    #2: London runs on Uber, aka unbookable cabs

    Uber was built for a city that does not plan ahead. It is the “sod it, alright then” of transport. Plus, Uber is also basically free*, until you check your credit card statement at the end of the month and email them saying SOMEONE HAS USED MY UBER ACCOUNT! I DID NOT TAKE A £46 CAB ACROSS LONDON VIA ALI BABA KEBAB SHOP ON STOKE NEWINGTON HIGH STREET AT 4.30AM ON A MONDAY, and they gently remind you that in all likelihood, you probably did.

    #3: “I can’t, I’m driving” said no Londoner, ever

    No one who works in London commutes by car except for Alan Sugar, and he’s part cyborg. For everyone else, after work drinks are pretty much a certified given, because no one’s got the “Oh, can’t, I’m driving” excuse everyone outside of London uses to escape their colleagues after working hours. In fact, if your colleague refuses to drink with you on the basis of having their car at the station and they don’t live in Kent, you should probably start taking it personally.

    #4: Any restaurant worth eating in cannot be booked in advance

    You: Can I book a table for three for next Thursday, please?

    Dishoom, Polpo, On the Bao, anywhere good: No, you can’t

    The end.

    #5: Londoners are flaky bastards

    In other words, London life moves quickly, and plans change. A lot. All the time. It’s like yeah, you’ve got plans, but then you’ve Gone For A Quick One™ after work and now you’re on pint number five, and your Whatsapp’s blowing up with what time you want to meet later?, but you can’t get signal or remember the name of that band, and, well, your mate wanted to go more than you did anyway, and Citymapper says Kentish Town’s 36 minutes away and it’s raining, so maybe you won’t go and they can just find someone else to…

    #6: …Take these unwanted gig tickets

    Seriously, if there’s a huge gig you are desperate to go to, your best chance of getting a ticket is categorically not at 10am on a Friday morning in the SeeTickets automated queue of doom. Because the average gig dropout rate in London is 76.8%, you can pretty much always find tickets the day before, or outside the venue on the night. Case in point: my housemate’s colleague, who had four tickets for Paul Simon’s concert at the Royal Albert Hall in need of a loving home last week. Thank you, me please, and yes, you may Call Me Al.

    paul-simon

    And finally,

    #7: PLANNING AHEAD DOES NOT INCREASE THE CHANCES OF PLANS ACTUALLY GOING AHEAD

    Ultimately, my real problem with planning ahead doesn’t just come down to a stubborn refusal to accept the limitations of adult responsibilities. It’s because planning ahead rarely increases the chance of the plans actually happening. As we’ve established, everyone in London is Very Busy. So it’s well documented that A Massive Night Out planned two months in advance usually coincides with onsets of feeling a bit coldy so I’ll give it a miss, also I think I’m getting a sore throat, instances of being a bit too tired tonight, or something’s come up, and sorry I’m working late, and oh god- is that tonight, we arranged it so long ago I forgot.

    But remember, every cloud: at least you won’t have to cancel the table.

    Get one post like this, one thing to ready, one thing to watch, and whatever nice thing I’ve seen that week.



  • In Praise of James Blake at Brixton Academy (and the bloke who told the crowd to shut up)

    In Praise of James Blake at Brixton Academy (and the bloke who told the crowd to shut up)

    There were quite a lot of signs dotted around Brixton Academy at James Blake’s gig on Saturday night.

    They were written in that polite, pointed, yet restrained way that British signs tend to have. You know, where you can tell the person wanted to really wanted to swear, but instead opted for the more rational “hey guys, would you mind…” approach.

    They were essentially asking people to keep the noise down during the show. And also advising them that if they really wanted to have a conversation, they’d be welcome to do so outside the main auditorium.

    The subtext: STFU you idiots, and have some respect.

    Pretty reasonable.

    Brixton Academy was also making a point of asking people to be quiet during the show on Twitter.

    If that wasn’t a big enough hint, they then started shutting down a few of the bars inside the main room before it started.

    And a few minutes into James Blake’s set, it was obvious why.

    Because as it turns out, getting a few thousand people to stand and listen to some insanely good music live in 2016 without also chatting to their mates at the same time is a nigh on impossible pipe dream.

    They won’t do it. They can’t do it.

    The crowd wouldn’t shut up.

    Which is why, when this man yelled “SHUUT UPPPPP” across the crowd at the beginning of Retrograde, it went down pretty well.

    Why bother coming to a gig if you’re not arsed about listening to the music?

    At one point, a group behind me were loudly observing that all his songs were slow, and it’s not what they expected, and shouldn’t they go to the VIP bit and have shots of tequila, and how annoying it was that they’d paid £24 per ticket. So I turned around and said “You know what’s annoying? Having someone in your ear” which seemed to do the trick.

    And if it’d been a really dull, boring gig, you could almost say ok, fair enough: have a chat. But it wasn’t.

    James Blake’s gig on Saturday was probably one of the best I’ve been to all year. Seriously: the man is brilliant live.

    Thankfully, James Blake himself asked everyone to be quiet while he recorded the loops for the encore of Measurements (“if it could just be me, that’d be good”). And the audience finally obliged. For the final track it was so quiet you could have heard a plastic beer cup drop.

    (and we did)

    It’s just a shame the crowd couldn’t have afforded him the same respect for the rest of the gig.

    Then again, maybe that’s not the only gig-going etiquette people were struggling with.

  • Don’t Close Any More of London’s Nightclubs. #SaveFabric

    Don’t Close Any More of London’s Nightclubs. #SaveFabric

    In 2016 Islington Borough Council closed Fabric – one of London’s most famous and best clubs – indefinitely, pending a review of its licence.

    *Update – the campaign to save Fabric was a success, and the club has now reopened. Here’s what happened when I went back.*

    Even if you’ve never been to Fabric, and have no interest in staying out late dancing to loud fast music, or don’t know what Fabric is and what its closure might mean for London – then allow me to try and explain.

    save-fabric-1

    If you’re into dance music, you’ll probably have known about Fabric long before you were old enough to actually get in. 

    In fact, most of my memories involve spending four hours in a queue drinking pre-mixed booze out of an Evian bottle in the hope of getting into a True Playaz drum ‘n’ bass night, which, no matter how often we tried, by 11pm always had a huge queue snaking towards Cowcross Street, and was already one in, one out.

    But if I wasn’t going to get into Fabric, I was going to listen to one of their resident DJ mix CDs instead.

    The Never Ending Queue meant I was about 25 before I went to Fabric with any regularity. I was getting back into the London club scene after uni to find that Kings Cross was done, and Matter (now closed) and Fabric were the next logical choice. 

    Even if you had a ticket, it somehow always felt like you might not get in. But once inside, it was always packed. Lasers pinged across the main room. There was a warren of phone signal-less stairways. You’d invariably be there to see one of the world’s best DJs. When you lost whoever you were with in the crowd, you made friends in the outdoor courtyard.

    The music was always, always good.

    save-fabric-cover2

    If Fabric closes, it’s more bad news for London’s nightlife. 

    And yeah, perhaps your clubbing days are over. Perhaps they never really got started. Perhaps you haven’t noticed the slow drop off in some of London’s biggest clubs and their associated nights – but it’s happening, bit by bit.

    It’s the regeneration of huge former all-night party areas like Kings Cross, it’s councils trying to appease people who might move in next door to the Ministry of Sound and complain about the, er, sound.

    In Fabric’s case, it’s an effort to stop people taking drugs – which frankly, ignores a much, much bigger issue, one that closing nightclubs isn’t going to solve. It’s borough councils imposing licencing restrictions that make it impossible to run regular, good late night venues.

    It’s freeing up valuable space which could be used for something a bit more sanitary than a load of sweaty people having a good time. A Tesco, a soulless bar, luxury flats.

    save-fabric-1

    But it’s important that London has nightclubs. 

    If, like me, you grew up in London, listening to the sort of music that required a line-up of DJs, set times, massive sound systems, MCs, airhorns, a scanned copy of your passport with the dates changed, whistles, horns, trainers, and enough hours in the night for it all to play out, then you’ll know how these kind of places can shape your youth.

    I was 16 when I first went to Bagleys for a night called One Love. I spent all night dancing with thousands of strangers in this huge warehouse in Kings Cross – big up anyone else who remembers *those* yellow railings at the front – and knew by the time I got home at 8am the next morning, that there weren’t many other places I’d rather spend a Saturday night.

    This article in Dazed sums up why quite nicely:

    Nightclubs are part of our culture. They’re spaces for communities to form that you may not even know you want to be a part of yet. They’re full of the friends you’ve yet to meet. They’re a space for you to develop your identity; to form nascent relationships (personal or otherwise) with sweaty strangers you shoulder barge at a bar or bond with over a 6AM fag, shivering as the sun comes up and the sweat dries over the back of your neck.

    These clubs bring people to London, they make our city good. They support artists. They develop talent. They give someone who loves music a place to find, meet, and dance surrounded by like-minded people.

    Put simply: it’s important that people who love music have a place to go out, stay out, dance, and hear it.

    And the way things are going, night tube or no night tube – London’s supply of night life is running short.

    There’s currently a petition running to #SaveFabric. You can sign it, download a campaign pack of images, tweet your support. 

    More info here: http://www.fabriclondon.com/save-fabric