Cycling in London always seems like such a good idea.
But it’s a good idea in the same way that heading to Oxford Street on a Saturday is a good idea. It is, right up until you walk out of Bond Street station and find yourself joining a never-ending storm of people whizzing past you; their arms, umbrellas and shopping bags flailing around as they bump into each other like drunk hens at a Zumba class.
Likewise, cycling is good in theory. It’s free! Apart from the bit where you spend the best part of £500 on a bike, followed by £70 on a lock and £20 on lights, only for some thieving bastard to come along with bolt cutters and steal off into the sunset with it all less than an hour later.
Granted, Boris Bikes negate that particular pitfall, but even Santander can’t prevent drivers who have never heard of wing mirrors from careering into your face.
So given my slightly negative stance on the whole thing, it was with uncharacteristic enthusiasm that I found myself conceding to a friend’s suggestion that we throw caution to the wind and give Boris Bikes a go.
After an hour on two wheels, here is what I learned.
Don’t…
Spend the majority of your 15 minutes allotted pick-up time gently pulling and pressing things (namely, the brakes, the bell) in your attempts to get the bike out of the dock.
Do…
Accost a pleasant young man to assist you in removing a bike from the dock if the (two of) you are struggling. He’ll do it in seconds.
Don’t…
Attempt your first ever central London cycle ride at the Old Street roundabout.
Do…
Avoid the challenge of crossing three lanes of traffic and negotiating one of London’s busiest traffic spots by riding down the pavement and using the pedestrian crossings.
Don’t…
Do that, actually. I think it’s against the law.
Don’t…
Scream every time a car goes past you.
Do…
Carry some sort of large stick / spiked boots to deter vehicles from getting too close (works on a horse, anyway).
Don’t…
Depend on your sense of direction / crap phone / good friend’s dubious map reading skills to tell you where the nearest docking station is. Just use your “cyclists’ nose”.
Do…
Ride around Bethnal Green aimlessly until you find one, getting further and further away from your destination at each turn. There’s bound to be one around here…somewhere.
Do…
Reward yourself with a hearty meal when you finally reach your destination.
Don’t…
Attempt to cycle home on a full stomach afterwards.
Do…
Get home unscathed (on the bus) and congratulate yourself. Tell anyone who’ll listen that you “went on a Boris Bike and didn’t die!!!!” when they ask what you did at the weekend.
Don’t…
Watch 24 Hours in A&E a few days later, which appears to be having a “crashed cyclists” special.
Do…
Re-consider new found enthusiasm for cycling. Renew your bus pass for another month. Arrange for next cycle expedition to be in the safe surrounds of…Hyde Park.
A useful guide, I’m sure you’ll agree. Isn’t trying new things fun? Next week, you can look forward to my beginners guide to running.
Ha! Ha! Ha! lolz.
Not really.
Almost makes me want to give cycling a go…sort of.
Embrace it, Mike.